Romeo and Juliet: I guess adolescent stupidity is pretty tragic

Montague servant: blind hatred!
Capulet servant: blind hatred back at you, mothafucka!
Montague servant: bitch, I'll cut yo white Italian ass.
Capulet servant: oh, gurrrrl! Tybalt, hold my earrings.
Tybalt: I love the glorious whiff of senseless violence in the morning.
Benvolio: please stop?
Prince: if your families continue fighting, something TERRIBLE will happen. TERRIBLE. ENGLISH STUDENTS, THIS IS FORESHADOWING.

Montague: Romeo is moping around like a dumb emo bitch. Please put him out of his misery before he makes a mix tape.
Benvolio: kay.

Benvolio: Romeo. Romeo. Really, man?
Romeo: shit, I love Rosaline but our love can't be real unless she puts out... I think I'll make her a mix --
Benvolio: NO. You are coming to a party. And will you please cut your hair?
Romeo: my atrociously long bangs hide me from the cold, cruel nature of this world.

Paris: I can has Juliet's hand in marriage?
Capulet: woah there, creeper! She's THIRTEEN! You will have to wait!
Paris: until what age?
Capulet: like... fourteen.
Paris: oh hay that makes sense.

Capulet: darling, how do you feel about marriage?
Juliet: that's creepy! I'm THIRTEEN!
Capulet: maybe you can force yourself to love this guy named Paris.
Juliet: I love the fifteenth century.

Mercutio: my character > this play.
All The Bitches: WE LOVE YOU WE LOVE YOU WE LOVE YOU.
Mercutio: I know, ladies. I know.

Romeo: fuck this party. I'm going to make Rosaline a mix -- hold up. Who's that?
Juliet: oh my gosh! Maybe I do want to get married!
Romeo: you're hot.
Juliet: Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone! I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run! You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess! It's a love story, baby just say yes!
Romeo: do you put out? (He leaps over a fence) but soft! What light through yonder window breaks! It is the East, and you are hot! Like a SUN!
Benvolio: fuck my life.

Romeo: so can I marry a thirteen-year-old I met today in secret?
Friar: Vegas style, huh? Luckily I have some Elvis gear behind the crucifix.

Tybalt: VIOLENCE VIOLENCE BLIND HATRED VIOLENCE!!!!!!
Romeo: no thanks.
Tybalt: what?! I KEEL YOU!!!
Mercutio: (he dies. The play becomes significantly less entertaining.)
Romeo: oh shit. I guess that means I KEEL YOU TOO!!!
Tybalt: (he dies. One would think the play would become significantly less senseless and violent, but hoo boy, we've just hit the beginning.)
Romeo: well, I'm officially not just an idiot but a murder. Banishment time!

Juliet: Romeo killed my cousin, oh no!
Nurse: whatever. A fine ass piece of meat like that ain't gonna come around every day. Stop channeling Taylor Swift and start channeling Tila Tequila.
Juliet: good point. I like to fuck, every day, ever night... I like to fuck, when it's wrong, when it's right...
Romeo: except it's always wrong because you're thirteen. Too bad! Let us consummate our day-old marriage, my little sex kitten.
Juliet: oh baby, consummate it harder.

Plot break in which everything goes to shit

Romeo: Juliet is dead! I will weep! I will scatter flowers! I will make her cold, dead body a mix -- PARIS! I KEEL YOU!!!
Paris: shittiest role ever.
Romeo: and now I KEEL MYSELF!!!
Juliet: my plan fell through? Goodness, I thought pretending to be dead without explaining the guise to my significant other would be foolproof. Oh well, it just goes to show that even the most meticulous, sanely constructed plans fall through sometimes. What's the most effective way to kill myself?
Friar: you know, there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
Juliet: (ignoring him) I guess I can kiss Romeo's lips; I was always sort of into necrophilia.

Capulet: weep! We must find a constructive way to deal with this calamity!
Montague: I know -- let's erect a statue forever glorifying teenage idiocy.

High school teachers: this is not a comedy. No. Nothing about the ending of this play is remotely funny.
Students: FALSE.